Beyond Avolon-Chapter 1

This is my favorite story on here!

Ok, chapter 1 has been rewritten and Chapter 2 is up. Just for an update.

Thanks for all of the ideas you gave me. As you already know, i have rewritten chapter one and i would like to ask you for some help.

She had an hourglass figure

Wow... reading through Prok's review, he nailed pretty much everything I was going to say. So I heartily second those suggestions.

My suggestion for you as far as the it's/its goes is that every time you want to add in "it's," read it out loud as "it is" and make sure it still makes sense.

The moon blossom closed it’s petals as the sol flora opened it’s own

The griffins of the southern seas opened their molten gold eyes as the dragons of the northern mountains closed their feathery raven like wings and their dark red eyes until the moons called upon their presents again.

She had an hourglass figure

Thank you all for reviewing this chapter. Before I put up chapter 2, i'm going to edit this chapter. If you all could read it and tell me what I can do better, that would be great. Again, Chapter 2 will be up soon. Thanks again! ^-^

Hi Lady of Fire!

Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.

The three moons of Avolon set in the southeastern sky while the sun rose behind them. The moon blossom closed [s]it’s[/s] its petals as the sol flora opened [s]it’s[/s] its own, welcoming the star’s light and warmth. The griffins of the southern seas opened their molten gold eyes as the dragons of the northern mountains closed their feathery raven-like wings and their dark red eyes until the moons called upon their presents again. [A rather adjective-laden, breathless sentence. Split it up; do something else with it.] The basilisks of the east retreated into their cold, underground homes as the snow white unicorns of the west[s],[/s] [No comma needed there.] watched the sun make its way across the sky.

[Remember: "it's" is the contraction of "it is," while "its" is the possessive form of "it."]

[The preceding paragraph had some good description, but sentence structure destroyed half of it. It's absolutely necessary for descriptive passages to flow smoothly.]

A single being witnessed this beautiful transition. She had long, straight, chestnut hair and bright green eyes. She had an hourglass figure, her skin was tanned and her elfin ears stuck out from beneath her [s]chestnut[/s] [You've already told us her hair colour.] hair. Iswin Lallo sighed as she watched the moons leave the sky and the sun emerge. Unlike her other eleven sisters, who wore the latest fashions of the long, puffy dresses, skirts and tight corsets, she preferred to wear pants, a slightly baggy shirt and a loose fitting vest. When she really had to wear a dress, then she wore a simple long, straight dress with draping sleeves, and no corset. She insisted upon that.

[I was a little jarred by the brief foray into Elf Fashion Monthly -- you illustrate her tomboyishness, but I don't need to know every single thing your characters wear this early on in the story.]

“I’ll wear one of those choking machines [I'd find a better word than "machine."] when ice melts fire,” she always said.

In general, however, she wore pants and a shirt, much to her mother’s disproval. She did not believe that the twelfth princess of Bohar should act in such an ‘unladylike’ way.

The kingdom of Bohar was once a safe haven for all of the refugees during the Great War four hundred years ago. Now, it was the highest kingdom in Avolon, a land that was now prospering with life, wealth, and peace. Famine, plague and war are ["Are"? You've suddenly switched from past tense to present tense. Very distracting.] considered fairly tales now, long since tales that parents tell their children so that the morals were learn so nothing like that happened. [That whole sentence no sense made. Completely redo it, you must.]

***There were five kingdoms in Avolon. Bohar was in the center of Avolon, a mixture different culture and races of the people that once came there to escape war or famine, living together in harmony.

Ethyl was far to the north, high in the mountains, living along with the mighty dragons. They relied on the dragons for their skills, fire and pack to protect them from the harsh natural elements of the mountains. Many considered them primitive but they, besides Bohar, were the most successful at adapting to their situation.

Farres was a kingdom far to the east, living among the basilisks, or rather, living to avoid them. The basilisks’ venom was a deadly poison with no known antidote but the people of Farres used the venom to destroy anything that needed to be destroyed, like old, unusable medal.

Digrad laid to the west, with the unicorns. Digrad lived as mostly gypsies, living off the unicorns, ‘gifts’ as they called them. They believed that the unicorns’ gave them the ability to make the most spectacular things in all of Avolon.

Finally, there was Honpleen, who laid in the south with the gryphons. They were considered to be the strongest of all the kingdoms, besides Bohar.***

[The section within the asterisks: A tad bit infodumpish, yes?]

Iswin sighed again, watching a few birds fly across the lightning ["Lightning sky"? What?] sky. She smiled as she felt the morning breeze hit her face, fluttering her hair slightly. She listened hard, waiting for the sounds of her sisters awakening.

Loud screams radiated through Bohar and Iswin snickered.

“The dreaded Iswin strikes again, I see,” said a high, small voice. Iswin looked around to see a small pixie, flying toward her. She had small dragonfly-like wings and had stern, light blue eyes with no pupils.

Iswin shrugged. “Hey,” she said. “If you have a gift, use it.”

“But against your sisters?”

“They deserved it,” snorted Iswin, not looking at her guardian. “They always deserve it.”

“Why?” asked the pixie. “Why do they always deserve it?” Iswin didn’t answer. “Alright, why did they deserve it this time?”

“They insulted…they insulted…” Her throat became suddenly dry. “They insulted…Jaddrn.”

Jaddrn Lallo was the eldest of the young rulers of Bohar. He went to seek his fortune and destiny else where, not wanting to rule the great kingdom until he saw the rest of Avolon. That was 12 years ago. Many called him dead, saying he died as soon has he left the safety of the palace, but Iswin didn’t believe it, she never had. She still believed that her brother lived and was still adventuring Avolon. Her sisters however, never believed in their brother.

“Iswin…” whispered the pixie, whipping away the tear from Iswin’s eye. [s]but[/s] Iswin pushed her away.

“Forget it Toola,” she said[s], swatting her away[/s]. [You already said that.] “It’s not your fault.”

The door swung open with a bang.

Iswin turned to see her eleven sisters covered in whipped cream, candy cockroaches and jelly snakes. Her sisters’ hair was sticking up in odd angles due to generous amounts of devroo tree sap.

“What happened girls?” Iswin asked, leaning against her window as Toola tried not to laugh at the eleven princesses. “Did you upset a devroo tree spirit?”

“Don’t play innocent, Iswin,” said Fledi, whipping whipped cream out of her long, deep black hair and light brown eyes. “We know it was you.”

“Moi?” Iswin gasped, dramatically, placing her hand over her heart. “I would never. What would give you that idea?”

“You are the only one not covered in sugar,” Ja said, plucking a candy cockroach out of her short, curly golden hair before glaring at her with those piercing [Someone, at some point in time, needs to stop using the word "piercing" to describe eyes. It can start with you. You could lead a revolution.] hazel eyes.

“I prayed for the devroo tree spirit to spare me,” Iswin said. “And I presented it with gifts. Apparently, he used it on you." [Dropped that last quotation tag.]

“We aren’t stupid, Iswin,” said Bathra. She was the eldest of the twelve sisters. She had long, platinum blond hair and sky blue eyes, the perfect princess. “We know it was you. There are no such things as devroo tree spirits.”

“Have you ever seen one?”

“No, and that’s why they don’t exist.”

“I’ve seen them,” said Iswin, darkly. “They are black as tar with eyes as red as fresh blood. Their teeth are white so that, in the dark, they glow like the moons themselves. Their hands are like claws, so sharp, they can cut down a tree with one slice.” Iswin began to advance on her sisters who backed out of their sister’s room. “And if they catch you alone, and disrespecting one of their trees…they’ll get you!” The eleven girls screamed and ran toward their rooms as Iswin laughed. [Come now, how old are these girls? If they're above ten years of age they're not going to go running away in fright from their tomboy sister, whom they likely all hate. A more likely response would be a prompt beating.]

“That never gets old,” she laughed, whipping a tear from her eye.

“You described the tree spirits quite nicely,” said Toola. “Borsain will be pleased.”

“I’m just glad he [s]when[/s] went along with it.”

“You do know that your sisters are going to tell your parents, right?”

“So?”

“So,” said Toola as Iswin picked up her bag. “You are going to get into trouble again.”

“Not if they don’t catch me first.”

“You’re not-” but before Toola could finish her sentence, Iswin jumped out her window.

“She did,” muttered Tolla, diving out of the window after the princess. At that moment, four guards ran into the room.

“She disappeared AGAIN!” said one.

“How does she do that?” asked another.

“Maybe she jumped out the window,” said the third.

“And [s]grown[/s] grew wings and flew,” said the fourth, hitting his fellow guard on the head. “She can’t have jumped out the window; she’s a princess and we’re at the top of the highest tower. She must have walked right past us.” The other three shrugged and, together, they left the room.

Excellent Job!! I especially loved your characterization and dialogue, also you did a great job with descriptions. There a few things theat I'd like to suggest though:

{Chapter 1}


The three moons of Avolon set in the southeastern sky while the sun rose behind them. The moon blossom closed it’s petals as the sol flora opened it’s own, welcoming the star’s light and warmth. The griffins of the southern seas opened their molten gold eyes as the dragons of the northern mountains closed their feathery raven like wings and their dark red eyes until the moons called upon their presents again. The basilisks of the east retreated into their cold, underground homes as the snow white unicorns of the west, watched the sun make its way across the sky.


A single being witnessed this beautiful transition. She had long, straight, chestnut hair and bright green eyes. She had an hourglass figure, her skin was tanned and her elfin ears stuck out from beneath her chestnut hair. After describing things so well, it's kind of out of place to suddenly tell the reader what she looks like. It would flow much better if you incorporated her description while describing things. Like you could say something along the lines of "Her long, straight chestnut hair hung loose, as she leaned on her window sill and shielded her eyes from the brightness of the rising sun." Iswin Lallo sighed as she watched the moons leave the sky and the sun emerge. Unlike her other eleven sisters, who wore the latest fashions of the long, puffy dresses, skirts and tight corsets, she preferred to wear pants, a slightly baggy shirt and a loose fitting vest. When she really had to wear a dress, then she wore a simple long, straight dress with draping sleeves, and no corset. She insisted upon that. This part about the clothes is a little random and came out of nowhere, I'd suggest that you talk about what one of her sisters is wearing and then say how she's different from her sisters in what she wears.

“I’ll wear one of those choking machines when ice melts fire,” she always said.


In general, [s]however[/s], (not needed) she wore pants and a shirt, much to her mother’s disproval. She did not believe that the twelfth princess of Bohar should act in such an ‘unladylike’ way.


The kingdom of Bohar was once a safe haven for all of the refugees during the Great War four hundred years ago. Now, it was the highest kingdom in Avolon, a land that was now prospering with life, wealth, and peace. Famine, plague and war are considered [s]fairly[/s] fairy tales now, long since tales that parents tell their children so that the morals were learn so nothing like that happened. Watch your tenses in the paragraphs, you tend to skip around from present tense to past tense.

There were five kingdoms in Avolon. Bohar was in the center of Avolon, a mixture of different culture and races of the people that once came there to escape war or famine, living together in harmony.


Ethyl was far to the north, high in the mountains, living along with the mighty dragons. They relied on the dragons for their skills, fire and pack to protect them from the harsh natural elements of the mountains. Many considered them primitive but they, besides Bohar, were the most successful at adapting to their situation.


Farres was a kingdom far to the east, living among the basilisks, or rather, living to avoid them. The way you word this makes it seem like their goal is to avoid them, try something like "trying to avoid them". The basilisks’ venom was a deadly poison with no known antidote but the people of Farres used the venom to destroy anything that needed to be destroyed, like old, unusable [s]medal[/s] metal.


Digrad laid to the west, with the unicorns. Digrad lived as mostly gypsies, living off the unicorns, ‘gifts’ as they called them. They believed that the unicorns’ gave them the ability to make the most spectacular things in all of Avolon.


Finally, there was Honpleen, [s]who[/s] (which). "Who" refers to a living being laid in the south with the gryphons. They were considered to be the strongest of all the kingdoms, besides Bohar.


Iswin sighed again, watching a few birds fly across the lightning sky. She smiled as she felt the morning breeze hit her face, fluttering her hair slightly. She listened hard, waiting for the sounds of her sisters awakening.


Loud screams radiated through Bohar and Iswin snickered.


“The dreaded Iswin strikes again, I see,” said a high, small voice. Iswin looked around to see a small pixie, flying toward her. She had small dragonfly like wings and had stern, light blue eyes with no pupils.


Iswin shrugged. “Hey,” she said. “If you have a gift, use it.”


“But against your sisters?”


“They deserved it,” snorted Iswin, not looking at her guardian. “They always deserve it.”


“Why?” asked the pixie. “Why do they always deserve it?” Iswin didn’t answer. “Alright, why did they deserve it this time?”


“They insulted…they insulted…” Her throat became suddenly dry. “They insulted…Jaddrn.”


Jaddrn Lallo was the eldest of the young rulers of Bohar. He went to seek his fortune and destiny else where, not wanting to rule the great kingdom until he saw the rest of Avolon. That was 12 years ago. Many called him dead, saying he died as soon has he left the safety of the palace but Iswin didn’t believe it, she never had. She still believed that her brother lived and was still adventuring Avolon. Her sisters however, never believed in their brother.


“Iswin…” whispered the pixie, [s]whipping[/s] wiping away the tear from Iswin’s eye but Iswin pushed her away.


“Forget it Toola,” she said, [s]swatting her away[/s] you already say something similar in the previous sentence. “It’s not your fault.”


The door swung open with a bang.


Iswin turned to see her eleven sisters covered in whipped cream, candy cockroaches and jelly snakes. Her sisters’ hair was sticking up in odd angles due to generous amounts of devroo tree sap.


“What happened girls?” Iswin asked, leaning against her window as Toola tried not to laugh at the eleven princesses. “Did you upset a devroo tree spirit?”


“Don’t play innocent, Iswin,” said Fledi, [s]whipping[/s] wiping whipped cream out of her long, deep black hair and light brown eyes. “We know it was you.”


“Moi?” Iswin gasped, dramatically, placing her hand over her heart. “I would never. What would give you that idea?”


“You are the only one not covered in sugar,” Ja said, plucking a candy cockroach out of her short, curly golden hair before glaring at her with those piercing hazel eyes.


“I prayed for the devroo tree spirit to spare me,” Iswin said. “And I presented it with gifts. Apparently, he used it on you.


“We aren’t stupid, Iswin,” said Bathra. She was the eldest of the twelve sisters. She had long, platinum blond hair and sky blue eyes, the perfect princess. “We know it was you. There are no such things as devroo tree spirits.”


“Have you ever seen one?”


“No, and that’s why they don’t exist.”


“I’ve seen them,” said Iswin, darkly. “They are black as tar with eyes as red as fresh blood. Their teeth are white so that, in the dark, they glow like the moons themselves. Their hands are like claws, so sharp, they can cut down a tree with one slice.” Iswin began to advance on her sisters who backed out of their sister’s room. “And if they catch you alone, and disrespecting one of their trees…they’ll get you!” The eleven girls screamed and ran toward their rooms as Iswin laughed.


“That never gets old,” she laughed, [s]whipping[/s] wiping a tear from her eye.


“You described the tree spirits quite nicely,” said Toola. “Borsain will be pleased.”


“I’m just glad he [s]when[/s] went along with it.”


“You do know that your sisters are going to tell your parents, right?”


“So?”


“So,” said Toola as Iswin picked up her bag. “You are going to get into trouble again.”


“Not if they don’t catch me first.”


“You’re not-” but before Toola could finish her sentence, Iswin jumped out her window.


“She did,” muttered Tolla, diving out of the window after the princess. At that moment, four guards ran into the room.


“She disappeared AGAIN!” said one.


“How does she do that?” asked another.


“Maybe she jumped out the window,” said the third.


“And grown wings and flew,” said the fourth, hitting his fellow guard on the head. “She can’t have jumped out the window, she’s a princess and we’re at the top of the highest tower. She must have walked right past us.” The other three shrugged and, together, they left the room.

This story is ranking up with some of my favorites as of right now. Nice work. However, I did notice some things. You seemed to have a problem with your "it's" and "its." I know you know the difference but here's an example:

"The moon blossom closed it's petals as the sol flora opened it's own"

You kept using the contraction. Use the ownsership. I know I probably sound like a first grade teacher but other than that, nice work.